Ch. 2, Pt. 4: The Cavity Below
Iswanto Arif
Get caught up: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
“The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that suffering upsets the normal patterns of life and reminds you that you are not who you thought you were. It smashes through the floor of what you thought was the basement of your soul and reveals the cavity below, and then it smashes through that floor and reveals a cavity below that.”
—David Brooks, The Second Mountain
. . .
No reorientation to be had here at the end of chapter 2, as “the full force of failure” smashed through the basement of my soul…and kept finding more to smash.
Before zooming out to resolve the tension, we’re going to have to zoom in to the crisis beneath the crisis — another layer down (coming in ch. 3).
Crisis #2 survey:
What stopped working? My understanding of “God’s plan” and my “calling” (after our church plant fail) + who I was (apart from ministry & faith)
How would you describe the crisis? “Dark Night of the Soul” or De-conversion: gut-wrenching, at the deepest level of identity & belonging, breaking life into before and after
What was the timeframe? the rawness of “the dark night” stayed with me for 2-3 years (starting in 2015)
What resources did you find helpful? I was reading a lot of Brene Brown, Brennan Manning, and Jen Hatmaker at the start of the crisis. Also, listening to The Liturgists podcast.
How did you resolve the dissonance? TBD
As you read on and journey deeper, I invite you to self-reflect: Where do you relate to my story?
Have you been tossed around by “the waves of expectations”?
Have you been burnt out facing the unknown?
Have you been leveled by “the full force of failure”?
Have you had to question your “calling,” identity, or where you belong?
Have you found some of your beliefs were “sandier” than you realized?
Have unmetabolized stressors, loss, grief, or pain bubbled up unexpectedly and inconveniently, to the detriment of your relationships?
Have you spent time alone — isolated — in the “wilderness”?
What moments in your life have “separated old from new, before from after?”
What moments have split time or split your very soul — changing the way you see?
What was it like? How did it feel? What resources helped? How did YOU resolve the dissonance?
Your answers are not necessarily for me to know (though I’d be honored, if you feel comfortable sharing! Feel free to DM or email me at feliciamelian@gmail.com)…
…but meant to provide a no-judgment, safe space for honesty, curiosity, openness, self-discovery & growth.
For when suffering has upset your normal patterns of life.
For when you find yourself smashing through what you thought you knew, falling into the cavity below, and then smashing through that floor too!
So that you might have language, handles, and reference points on your way down, feel a little less alone, and — in time — be empowered to tell your story.
. . .
“Why Bother?
Because right now, there is
someone
out there with
a wound
in the exact shape
of your words.”
Sean Thomas Dougherty,
The Second O of Sorrow
